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I See Myself

As a mother

Definitely not perfect, but good

Most of the time

Mistakes made

Looking back proud

Happy that I did the best

With what my broken self had available

I hope it was enough

For two who are a precious gift

Given to a shattered half soul

As a wife


Once desired and cherished


Once kept so beautifully in a golden cage


Once so sure of everlasting love and devotion eternal

Alone. Lonely. Devastated.

Eviscerated and Discarded

A desperate longing to go back in time

To when there was security

A time of holding, of touch, of two

A time of not being so broken in so many pieces

There is no mending

As a daughter

Short changed and cheated

Betrayed, abandoned, loved with limits

Boxed in and quietened down

Silenced from birth

Left out in the cold and unsupported

Lied to without apology

Even when those many lies were exposed

A mothers unconditional love like a fog

cleared in sunshine, in the blink

A fathers protection abused, the right to trust, stolen away

A legacy of healing, of fixing

Trying to mend something so broken

The fine china pot in too many bits to put back together

Dead but still alive

As a sister

Once friends and sweet sister memories

Closeness and laughter

So much love and a seemingly solid bond

Broken, rejected, abandoned

Looked down on for living

For choosing a path less traveled

Derided and dismissed and discarded

Thrown away like an unwanted pet

Waiting for a morsel of love

Waiting for an idealistic inclusion of family

A feeling of being wanted again

Just as I am, me but more real

But the real me is too frightening

It seems for everyone

I see myself

Broken in too many pieces to fix

Hurt too deeply to smile a genuine smile

Lied to so much that I can't believe again

Wondering if I will ever feel loved again

By a man who thinks I am his world

I wonder if this sick sadness that is

So deep I can't reach it, will go

I see myself trying to heal, slowly

Healing bits, but never enough

Fighting each day

Wading though darkness, heavy, slow

A then a glimpse of light

Because I remember

I am a mother

And they love me

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